If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
