If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
