I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
