The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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