I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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