Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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