After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
