She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
