You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
