I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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