I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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