ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
