Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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