Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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