he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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