do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
