I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
