I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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