Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
