If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They took my balls.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
