You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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