I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
