Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
