i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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