It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Who wears a wallet chain?!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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