There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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