i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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