why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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