you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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