It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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