Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
