So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
