If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
