i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
