The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
