My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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