4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
