it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I need to calm my uterus...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
