WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
