Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
