He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
