It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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