I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
