happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
