Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
