marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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