I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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