I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
