It's like a parade of train wrecks.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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