I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Someone signed my nipple.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
