I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you didnt know i had herpes?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
