I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
