I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
