Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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