the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
