She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Sorry my hands just texted you
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
