So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
