Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
