TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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