That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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