So drunk its hurt
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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