I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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