is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
