I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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